5 Tips for Coping with the New Amore
What to do when your Ex gets that first new significant other? It’s not realistic to think you can completely control your emotions. You will be sad, angry, jealous, remorseful, happy – all of these at some time or maybe at the same time. The first time they bring the ‘New One’ to a joint event around your kids, it will be awkward!!! Here are a few things to keep in mind to help get you through the early stages:
1) Recognize they might be new, but you will always be the ‘first’.
The new person in your Ex’s life will always be your follow-up. This new person will never be ‘the first’ with anything and because of human nature your Ex will always be comparing the New One to you. The New One knows this and will be thinking about it and worried. The stress on their side for that first meeting will be absolutely as great as yours! Sometimes that comes off as being overly confident or cocky but underneath they have feelings of insecurity and fear.
2) Understand the New One will never be as important to your Ex as the kids are.
It’s hard to start a new relationship when your wants, needs and ideas are never as important as someone else’s. It might seem like the New One is always getting their way but there is A LOT going on behind the scenes that you don’t see. As an extension of the kids, when you call -it’s always important. The kids’ health, finances, activities and needs will always come before the New One’s, even if the New One wins once in a while. New love does some strange things but a lot of amores come and go – the family bond of parent-child is never broken.
3) Remember your kids will always be happier if they like the people they spend time with.
New people require a lot of adjustment, a new significant other has a huge impact on your kiddos from a lot of different levels. Your children don’t want to feel as if they are being abandoned for a new romantic partner or they are in competition with an adult for their parent’s affection. The last thing you want to do is make your kids scared during your Ex’s parenting time or create a situation where they have an upset stomach because they think the New One will be mean to them or they need to be mean to the New One. The New One might be shiny and fun in the beginning, but that’s okay because that means your kids are happy and having fun rather than isolated and nervous and sad. Everyone is human and things will normalize quickly.
4) Wave, but don’t feel obligated to have a conversation.
Who knows what the New One has heard about you. If you’ll just smile and give a casual wave, that will help them let down their guard and put you in a better light, without any commitment. Don’t think you have to have a conversation or sit next to them at Janie’s play but a nod goes a long way and you’ll save yourself a lot of headache if you start with a smile rather than a sneer.
5) Grieve for what was, but don’t dwell on what could have been.
You are focused on the present. Your relationship with the Ex didn’t work out. Their relationship with the New One might or might not, but either way it won’t change what has happened between the two of you. Whether you already have a New One or that is on the horizon, your life will continue to move forward. Don’t get bogged down in what is going on between the Ex and the New One, it will only take energy away from making your own life better. Do something fun with the kids, go out with your friends, distract yourself but let yourself work through it with a timeline! You have 48 hours and then it’s back to focusing on YOU!
You’ve been through the worst of it already. Breaking up, possibly moving, making new financial and physical arrangements for the kids – that is the hardest part. This might not feel easy but you’ve already pulled through everything else: this is a minor blip in the journey of your new life!
