Children Are the Ultimate Narcissists (and that’s OKAY!)

Kids need to be able to focus on themselves in order to grow up to be healthy, happy and productive humans. If they have to worry about adult relationships or divorce, it's just too much for their brains and affects their development. Children of ALL ages need to just be kids, regardless of how their family is structured. No matter what has happened between you and your Ex, your relationship with your child is never ending and keeping it separate and apart from conflict will help your kids grow up to be well adjusted adults.

Kids Are Out for Themselves!

No matter how angelic their little faces are, or empathetic their pats and words may seem, children are the ultimate narcissists! Children don’t (and SHOULDN’T) sit around thinking about their parents. They are upset to see you cry but they aren’t capable of being concerned that you have a fulfilling adult relationship with their other parent. They might sense something is wrong, but they don’t understand the emptiness or heartbreak of a spouse who has been unfaithful, emotionally unavailable, or who’s high conflict. Kids don’t notice if the family goes out to dinner or a ballgame and their parents don’t speak the entire time – they only know that they are doing something together as a family. Kids don’t understand that you had to go without a new outfit so that they could get back-to-school clothes – they are just excited that they look good! And kids don’t have any clue that every time they complain about what they ‘don’t have’ there are a million things they do have.

let your kids worry about their lives, not your divorce

Kids think about:

SCHOOL, Homework, Teachers, Grades

Parties, Fights, FRIENDS, Kisses, Lunch Time

Clothes, Music, Toys, Pets, FOOD

Kids Can be Sweet but They are not Empathetic

Children think about their own things! They live in the moment and are using all of their mental and physical energy to grow, develop, and figure out how to interact in the world around them in the most positive way possible. Children communicate by screaming, running around, and sticking out their tongues. Children can only see the world through their very limited view based on their own limited personal experiences. No matter what you tell them – how are they to know what separation is like from an adult perspective? How does anyone, let alone a being who has NEVER had a romantic relationship, begin to understand the thousands of moments that have led you to this place in time?

don't let divorce ruin your child's memories

Even if the house had tension and fighting, children still want the family to remain intact because it is all they know and kids can’t imagine scenarios never previously experienced. Even children who experience true abuse don’t want to be separated from their family. Children will only know if someone is around or not, in a good mood or bad mood, is happy at the time of the exchange or stressed and angry. And while even small infants will internalize and mimic their parents’ emotions – NOBODY knows how it feels to be you and what you are going through. Children who are sad, angry, worried – they aren’t sad because they are sad for you; they aren’t angry because they are supporting you in your outrage; they aren’t worried because they are empathetic to your concerns. Your kids feel those things because they are truly sad, mad and scared.

let your kids be kids and not children of divorce

Protecting Your Kids Means Allowing them to Just Think About Themselves – not the Divorce

Even when you want to help your children understand what has happened, too much information is not necessarily a good thing. In trying to answer their questions, it doesn’t help them to know details about what their mom or dad did to make their other parent mad. It doesn’t even help to give into teenager’s demands about why this has happened – often they see the world as very black-and-white and will carry your anger with them against the other parent, only creating problems for themselves in the present and long-term. The answer to an older child’s persistent questions of ‘why did you break up?’ can be as simple as, “I don’t really know. So many things just happened. We stopped being happy.”

Nor does it help to try and ‘protect’ your kids from the other parent’s perceived shortcomings. Children grow into adults and figure things out for themselves. They know who was there for them, who supported them, and what kind of adults they want to model. By shielding your children from a less than perfect parent, you just create different problems. If a parent doesn’t show interest and involvement in a child’s life it can be devastating to their sense of self. You protect your children from hurt, anger, and confusion when you keep reinforcing how they are loved and wanted by both parents. If a visit doesn’t happen or isn’t as positive as it should be, the best response to protect your kids is, “Sometimes things happen but your mom/dad really loves you and I know they wanted to make you happy.” You don’t have to make the other parent perfect, but you should make your children feel loved.

Kids Like Being Liked

Studies show, universally, that children feel better about themselves if they have the involvement and support of both parents participating in their lives. They feel more secure and have more confidence knowing both parents want to be involved in their lives and that the bonds of parent-child survive the break-up of the core family unit. EVERY child is dealt a blow when they learn that familial love can dissolve. They do not have the experience to understand how and why the child-parent bond is different than the parent-parent bond. Give them permission to embrace both parents for their own development and self-esteem: let them enjoy their time with the other parent without feelings of guilt. Even if the other parent isn’t living up to their potential as a parent, let your children have the fantasy that both people who made them are good, decent people who truly love them. This is the best way you can help your children to cope with all of these stresses and grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted adults. Build a strong firewall between your problems and your children. They do not deserve to be the casualties of your marital conflicts. They love you both and more than anything want to have a happy family where both of you love them.

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Is Your Child Cheating On You?

Are your children worried about expressing their love for their other parent? When they talk about their other parent in ‘rose-colored’ terms do you worry that they will only be disappointed and heartbroken (maybe like yourself) once they learn the truth? Sometimes a little fantasy is okay for kids to feel good about themselves. At some stages of development, it’s more important for kids to feel loved by both parents and believe that they came from two good people than to know the adult ‘truth’. Allowing your child to be open and honest about all of their feelings is the best way to know what is going on in their heads and be able to support and protect them.

Can You Suspend Visitation During the Covid Crisis?

Can you suspend visitation if it’s dangerous to travel? What if your Ex has high exposure to Covid? What if your child is going into the home of people you don’t know? What if your Ex’s state has more lax rules than yours? What if you are afraid for your family?
Yes . . Maybe . . . No . . .? There are no answers so here’s how to resolve these questions without the Court.

In the time of Covid, What if Your State Has Different Rules Than the State Where Your Ex Lives?

Do you have concerns letting your kids go to a state that doesn’t have any restrictions? Does it not make sense why your Ex wouldn’t want your kids to come stay with you when your state has a low risk and they can play summer sports and do normal activities? Follow these steps to come to a mutual agreement when different states have different rules.

How Can You Maintain a Relationship with Your Child While Under Quarantine

Being physically present with your child can’t be replaced, but learning other ways to communicate with your child may improve your relationship for all time to come. Technology offers a lot of options! if you can put some tips in place to make that comfortable for any age level, you will be able to maintain a strong connection with your child.

Do You Have a ‘Global Pandemic’ Clause in YOUR Parenting Plan?

Things with this crisis are going to be rapidly changing for some time to come. How do you re-negotiate new details about your kids every time there is new guidance or a change with this pandemic situation?

if you find yourself thinking about your Ex, start thinking about your kids instead

Your Favorite Little Humans

Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex? Start Thinking About Your Kids Instead!

Exchanges can be a difficult time for parents and kids. Parents begin to anticipate the worst and dread having contact with their Ex. Kids have to prepare to say goodbye to one parent and switch homes. When conflict arises, things get much worse real fast for both adults and children. But this is a time of reunion! A time of stability for your kids: a reinforcement of the parent-child bond that survives beyond your adult romantic relationship. This is about your kids, getting to be with them, and making them happy. When your thoughts start to be all about your Ex, refocus on your kids!

How Will Coronavirus Change Your Summer Parenting Plan?

Summer might look very different for your kids. There might not be summer camps, group sports, public swimming pools, or normal travel. Do you rely on grandparents or day-care during the summer break? Are you prepared for what covid-summer looks like? Do you have a plan for your kids in this upside-down world?

Blended Families Weren’t Created for Global Pandemics

The purpose of quarantine and social distancing is about minimizing contact with others. Blended families are all about contact with multiple families and households and caring for kids coming from different places! How do you keep your households functioning like normal without providing the perfect environment for Covid?

Make the Transition to Your New Life
a Happy One

Learn How to Stay Focused on Your Kids - Every. Single. Time.

Text Your Ex gives you some space and distance so that you can focus on yourself and your kids without constantly struggling to communicate with your Ex. We help separate the emotion of your relationship from your job of raising happy, healthy and productive humans. When parents work together to find the best answers for their kids, it gives their children a brighter future.

Once you are able to make decisions about your children conflict-free, you’ll be able to imagine a better way forward and things will be easier. Text Your Ex gives you a chance to resolve the emotions of your separation separately from making decisions about your kids so you can transition from co-habitators to co-parentors smoothly and without conflict.